Just A Thought

Don't expect pictures, you'll rarely see it here.

I have finally decided to really take the time to write on this web page everyday. If you are with me through this journey I'd highly appreciate it if you take the time to share my thoughts on your social networks. Share my blog posts and life realizations if you find that it hits home.

I was idle for a time and had constant battles with myself if I should push through with this writing or not. I was afraid of what people might say or think about me. I was criticized for being a hypocrite for the words I wrote and that I don't consciously live them out every single day.

I was... to be honest... Insecure. The thought that a lot of people out there are trying to make their voices heard through writing was daunting. I can't write. I feel as though I am a minuscule part of this giant cosmos.

Aside from that...

PEOPLE DON'T TAKE THE TIME TO READ ANYMORE.

We spend most days just scrolling through our smart phones looking through pictures and silly videos but we never really take the time to read. To read and to let our hearts be touched by words.

Words are magic. Words when put together can journey through the heart and soul of many. When was the last time that your heart was touched by a short quote or article?

So today, I dedicate myself to doing an overhaul. An attempt to make something consistent out of my very inconsistent life. I always promised myself to go on a diet but never really got the hang of it. I also promised myself to exercise regularly but it never did happen. I promised myself over and over again that I would wake early in the morning but my bed's too charming not to let go of me. And previous entries on this web page, I attempted many times to go on this challenge of writing everyday but never really did.

So, here I am today. I will try to make words come out of me and I will attempt to get you to read me. Every day. My journey. My happiness. My sadness. The details of every successes and struggles I am experiencing.

Mostly I will address my blog posts through a letter form. Hellos and goodbyes are always great to address things that cannot be addressed. Things that cannot be said or admitted.

Sometimes we are too scared to put ourselves out there that the fear just continues to grip us. Fear, my friend, is the greatest enemy we have. Insecurities are fruits of fears dangling in the brain---rotting and useless. I no longer want what ifs in my head. I want to go on this personal journey to reach you. To make you read again.

To find words interesting and touching that you would laugh, cry, or feel annoyed even.

Feel free to share your thoughts and comments below the posts.

To you,

Many times i asked myself why and what happened along the way but the answers were not enough to suffice the questions in my head. I thought of you, I thought of going to you many times to say all the anger and bitterness I still feel inside my heart.

I am not writing because I want the world to know how bad you are but rather how beautiful you were to me despite all the flaws and the tantamount of fights we've had. You were wonderful. We were wonderful. But it will just remain as a was and a were now only to be dug when memory permits me.

Thank you.

Thank you for hurting me so badly that I realized all to myself that I am not worthy of such madness.
Thank you for sending my self-esteem down the drain because with this lesson, I now know that I am truly beautiful inside and out.
Thank you for the breaking of trust because I realized what it truly means to be loyal, to be true to someone, to dedicate  my whole being, and to love more.

Thank you for the fights because I learned that anger can always bring you to bad places and I no longer want that for the rest of my positive existence.
Thank you for the good memories, I can now have new ones without you in the picture.
Thank you for the freeze frames of smiles and warm hugs and kisses; I can now see this possibly happening again with somebody.

Thank you for breaking my heart. It's ok, I learned a lot. I now know what I want for a partner and what I truly desire from the next person that would come along.
Thank you for the expectations that led to disappointments. I now know how to treat people better and give them more than I can offer.
Thank you for the tears. With each drop my heart feels better knowing that you had the courage to choose to get out of our poisonous relationship.

Thank you again for more tears, with them I am learning how to crumble and my walls are starting to fall into pieces. and that being into many pieces is not such a bad thing.
Thank you for the acceptance, for every bit of hospitality that I felt with your family.
Thank you for instilling in me the value of marriage all over again and for giving me the thought of its possibility.

With everything said, thank you still, for making me believe in love again, for making me believe in a person, for making me understand my true capacity on how I can extend myself to one person.

I might end up with someone and get hurt all over again, but I still thank you for giving me so much pain that the possibility of this happening again is no longer a possibility,

Thank you. Thank you for everything. You were beautiful. We were beautiful. And with this, I close the chapters of our book. Just now. To let you go. To let myself go.

We were not perfect but I hope you also felt the same that the imperfections of it all was perfect enough. But enough was never a part of my intentions during the first time around, I hope that you will also understand that, maybe years from now.

It is true that when the heart has been touched it will always remain open for new possibilities. Even though pain is just waiting around the corner I am still willing to cross that blind path. Thank you for this.

Thank you for all the realizations. I hope that the good memories I have given (even the bad ones) and the lessons I've imparted remain with you. I don't want to be just a speck that flew by and never touched your soul.

I hope everything is good with you now, and if not everything will fall into place the soonest time possible.

With so much love,
Goodbye

I found myself today asking infinite ways on how I can possibly turn a negative situation into a positive one. Some sort of like that thing that people say when God closes a door there are always windows available to be opened. That every given opportunity, whether good or bad, is a transformation waiting to happen. A transformation that might lead to a very rocky road or a smooth sailing pavement.

The twists and the turns of particular events in our lives makes us who we are. It makes us strong or it can also make us crumble into a million pieces. We learn or maybe sometimes we truly don't. But these amazing negative moments are truly the ones that define us, what makes us unique, what makes us stand out from the rest, and generally what makes us a different version of ourselves in the coming days.

Some days are good, some days are truly bad and in the end you really do win some and you also will lose some. There will never come a time that the situation will always be in favor of you; you'll always, sooner or later, find yourself in the losing end. But it's ok...

The game is not over.

It's always about moving forward. About choosing how to turn the blocks around and how to create structures in your soul to always push through and find that happiness in your life.

So how to stay motivated, when everything's as rough as a walnut's shell?

My top 5 ways on how to keep going...

5. Goal Setting and Day Dreaming.
At any given time and in any given setting in our lives, we will somehow find this whole idea the hardest to fill in. Boy, you are one lucky bug if you have everything figured out for yourself. But for most who don't, I sympathize and empathize with you on this.

That sometimes setting goals make you question whether or not you are truly capable of achieving something in this particular span of time. You are doubtful.

But I found out recently that those who do have a concrete plan in their head make things happen. They move the pawns on their chess board and they do not let fate dictate where the hell they want to go.

They (for the most part) end up happy. They end up enjoying the company of themselves and their ability to impose the necessary changes they want to have in their lives. And these people with plans are the rare finds in this chaotic world.

So today, take the time to grab a pen and a paper. If you want, grab a table napkin and use that as your temporary goal setting material! Don't be scared. Write the most mundane ideas you have in your head, figure out what your likes and dislikes are, identify your needs and your wants.

Just write them all down and believe that Universe has already addressed these needs of yours. That before you knock it has already been opened for you.

4. Stretch.
Take the time to ease into this. Find time to squeeze this in your busy schedule. Listen to the language of your body. Listen as to how your muscles contract and relax with every absurd poses you can demonstrate.

Don't be afraid to feel what your body is saying. It is a true expression of what's inside. Take the time to energize and to feel where you are aching and where you are at ease. You don't need an hour to do this, you only need 5-10 minutes of stretching exercises to feel your body so you can hear its language.

You are responsible for every nourishment your body takes in and it is indeed a wonderful moment to just set aside a little time for it so you can give recognition to the physical and everything else in between will follow.

3. Breathe.
Take 3 short breaths followed by 3 long ones. *Repeat*

It is through the breaths we take that we clear our brains and let air in. It is through these well inhaled and exhaled breaths that split-second decisions can be made. It is through these breaths that we can decide whether we should shout until our lungs come out or keep still and be silent.

These breaths dictate how we want to handle situations in our lives that are out of our control. It is only through these breaths that we take can we truly say that we are the masters of our own worlds. We are in-charge. We are the pilots of our own plane.

We sometimes do forget how to breathe especially when the stress comes in, when the work piles up, when everything seems to be happening all at once, and when we are truly under pressure.

Take the time. Sit down. Inhale. Exhale. Repeat.

2. Be Objective.
Don't let your emotions get to you too much. But I'm not saying that in order to move forward you must totally dismiss these emotions. N-O, NO! Cry if the need to release is there and your chest is too heavy to bear. Express your inner feelings if this would indeed serve you good. Don't be ashamed as to how you feel but don't be too over dramatic.

Remember that, for every problem there is always an equal solution waiting to be unraveled. It is up to you how you will do this and it is also up to you if you let your emotions hinder you from the place where you want to go.

Think of a solution always --- what's best for your specific situation.  Be objective, try to find the answers, and everything else will fall into its rightful place.
1. Find Comfort.
You are not here to carry all the burdens on your own. No man is an island, as the cliche line goes. Find people who bring joy to you, people who make you laugh and make you feel welcomed.

Find people who will listen and hear. Be wary of people who just babble about the things your supposed to do and they end up totally ruining what you want for yourself.

Find the positive ones and shy away from those who emanate negative vibrations. The negatives are the least concerns of your life.

Find people to give you a power hug if you must. Let them express their warmth and love to you through these simple gestures.

Find them. Never isolate yourself, for you are not moving forward, you are only choosing to be miserable for the rest of your life.

As life goes through an unpredictable rate, the good and the bad will always remain in the eye of the beholder. It is just a matter of perspective.

Having different perspectives is what makes us human, what makes us see through the flaws and what helps us to work our way out. Perspectives make us see what else we want to achieve and what else we can conquer.

It is an on-going quest to keep going but it's always a wonderful challenge to be accepted.

We all make plans, and sometimes those plans we make happen, or they never truly do. We get disappointments and the cycle of living is indeed that way. One day you're happy, the next you no longer know what to do.

It is in the deepest silence of our hearts that we could truly identify what's aching and what needs to be bandaged and repaired. But, no matter how hard we try to bandage those things ghosts will still haunt us in our core.

Memories can never fade. Memories are mere memories stuck in the brain waiting to be recycled and thought of again. I think, we are trap in this cleverness that no matter how much we try to press the delete button in our heads, it's never going to happen.

Along the way, we find temporary happiness, and temporary happiness finds us too. We swallow into the fun and don't give a damn because we've been badly scarred many times. We smile, we laugh, we do the regular things but when we are on our own, memories creep in. We judge ourselves for our lack of understanding and the lack of courage to just choose to move forward.

We get stuck in the idea of letting go and change.
We get stuck in the idea of moving forward.

And we realize that those things are just there as "pure ideas."

Only to find out that after the long run, we are still standing still. We've become that immovable wall waiting to be broken and pushed. No amount of alcohol, smoke, or loud music can break the sadness, the pain that's locked up inside.

The restlessness of it all is that, as night comes, we find ourselves in the confines of our own thoughts. Drowning. Clamoring for air. Anxious to be saved.

It's sad to think that time can make us victims of our past; that time can enslave us of our present moment/s. It corrupts us of our ability to think for the future and hope for the best. But at the end of the day, choice is still the thing that matters.

As the day progresses, the "pure" idea of moving forward is slowly building its foundations and we find ourselves learning our lessons. Bit by bit. We are slowly coming to terms with ourselves. We are slowly accepting every bit of flaw we have in our soul---past, present, and future. And the most important lesson is: Happy moments must always be noticed and bad vibrations neglected and thrown into segregated trash bins of life's crap.

The past will always be there to haunt us. It is always up to us to choose if we are too stupid to leave, or too stuck up to move on with things that came and will come our way.

Moving on and letting go are the two hardest lessons we must practice every single day of our lives. No matter how much we deny it, we are the person we are at present because of the experiences we've learned in the past. Just the same, we will be the future versions of ourselves who created a beautiful present.

I have come to terms with myself that in life, each waking moment is a chance for us to recreate ourselves anew; a chance for us to become the better versions of ourselves. That each beginning is always a continuation of something that ended and that the story will always be scary and daunting but very hopeful and adventurous.

With a light heart, we take with us the lessons of the past and finally choose to pick the pieces and tape them all back together. We must always strive to get that footing back after being broken into a million pieces.

A shattered individual will always attract more shattered hearts. The cycle will repeat itself over and over again until this person finds himself/herself as the victim of the situation for the nth time.

Let's not involve anyone in the process of fixing ourselves because we would always end up destroying the beautiful light shining through that other person.

We are wonderful individuals, you are a wonderful being! A someone who deserves a better chance or better chances in life's wonderfully made stupidity. Don't hang on to the past, the past will cling so tightly that it's hard to let it go. Like a boy begging for his mother not to leave for the grocery.

The past is a wonderful chance for us to re-evaluate our present moment, our future beginnings and happiness. All we have to do is to trust the process and the flow of life's energy that everything positive will come to us in the right place, right time, and right sequence.

So, to you my friend, who's trying to move forward, the journey is indeed long and it is filled with so much tears and unexpected joys. Be receptive to your feelings, honor them, and take good care of them. At the end of the day they are the only ones capable of telling you what's best for you, be it in relationships, or your job, or your family, or decision making.

Life is indeed filled with ups and downs. Sometimes, there are just downs pouring all over the place, but know that light will shine and ups will be attracted again to your wonderful life.

I love you, I send the pieces of bandages from my broken heart to your shattered soul. We'll get through eventually.

Sleep deprivation - is the condition of not having enough sleep; it can either be chronic or acute. A chronic sleep-restricted state can cause fatigue, daytime sleepiness, clumsiness, and weight loss or weight gain.

You can go on days without eating and survive with water only. But sleep is the ultimate reset button our body permits us to do every single day of our waking lives. It's as if this is the only anticipated moment we have in a day to recreate ourselves anew.

I believe that each sleep is a kiss of death and a hug from the subconscious that we all must go through in order to be functional beings during the day. However, restlessness is its main enemy that no matter how you desire to relax, it's there to question you and to keep your eyes from shutting off.

Being sleep deprived is the worst feeling in the world. I am seriously torn between reality and the idea of being in a dream. I float, I wonder, and I question more. I am all over the place and I think this is an experience that once in awhile a person must experience in order to be in that REALity.

See, when emotions are all over the place and your thoughts are hard to gather in a basket, you make everything seem so fast paced. Sleep deprivation makes you think that everything is just passing through, that no moment is going to be better than where you are currently standing.

Time is fleeting.

Sleep slows time down, without it we're just moving beings who are floating in this great big reality.

Kiss me now sleep, hug me and tell me that everything's going to be OK. Make me feel refreshed for a new beginning. Make me look forward with great spirit and courage. Make me understand more.

I am ready to get off from reality and ride your wonderful train of floating thoughts and never ending possibilities. I am ready to travel to places and meet people and creatures in my mind. I am ready to be taken into your rabbit hole of wonders.

Come now and comfort me.

Because my heart is still glad...
That despite the indescribable pain it still is smiling
Welcoming that which is traumatic
Welcoming the chances
Welcoming the challenges

It is when you falter that you learn how to stand
It is when you falter that you learn how to be brave and fight
That in each waking moment your heart is a trunk full of the good stuff
And you did a great job in choosing what's best, what's worthy, and everything else in between

No amount of alcohol could drown you away
No amount of sleepless nights can make you forget
That in the end you're still hopeful
And you believed with all your heart.

And then you say. Good night, good night, good night, and goodbye.

Whatever happened to the question, "Would you like to grab a cup of coffee some time?" I feel like it died years ago and that the only decent thing to ask a girl out these days are through these series of questions:

'X' marks the spot. This is the right way to go. Photo 2013 @ Xocolat, Katipunan

1. "Do you want to hang and party?"
2. "Where are you? I can pick you anywhere" (at 2am that is)
Or the classic one that I'm hearing...
3. "Want to drink? When can we see each other for that beer session?"

What I believe when someone asks me the coffee question..

Coffee is decent.
Coffee makes sense.
Coffee keeps you alive and active.
Coffee makes you hyper and talk a lot.
Coffee makes you think of crazy things.
Coffee makes you leap out of your chair and be merry.

In short...Coffee is always good, especially when you're drinking it with someone and you're having probably the best conversation you've had in your life so far.

That also said, I believe that the coffee culture that the Friends' Series (90s) aired long ago have died with them. People no longer spend 10 minutes talking and just sharing what's going on with their lives. When we do see each other we usually talk for awhile and go back to our smart phones and scroll away!

It feels like the world is more updated online and we've lost that face-to-face connection with human souls.

In the world of dating, I feel like coffee is taboo already. And the lines I've said awhile ago will transform into this:

Beer is decent.
Beer makes sense.
Beer keeps you alive and active.
Beer makes you hyper and talk a lot.
Beer makes you think of crazy things.
Beer makes you leap out of your chair and be merry.

Apparently boys, men, and gentlemen think nowadays that the best way to get a girl is to ask her over for some drinks. It works both ways I guess. For some time. But it gets tiring too you know. Plus it's an expensive lifestyle that's very hard to maintain and to balance.

See when you ask us out over beer there are always lingering questions in our heads like: (well I don't know if it's the same with you ladies, but this is what's happening in mine)

1. Should I go?
2. Is this is a stupid idea?
3. It might be fun...? hmmm.
4. What's in it for me? What's in it for him?
5. Will this all be worth it in the end?

Unlike when you ask us for coffee, questions will form this way:

1. What should I wear?
2. Should I wear make-up or be nice and pretty?
3. What will we talk about?
4. Hmmm. What shall I order?
5. I think this is going to be fun. Will it? Yes definitely?

It's more exciting, worth preparing for, and it's definitely unpredictable.

Whatever happened to being unpredictable? Whatever happened to open-ended stories? To much awaited 2nd coffee dates? To more extraordinary conversations? To the getting-to-know-each-other phase? To taking it slow and easy? Where have they gone and what dimensions have they ran into?

Is romance dead? And that the fast-track scrolling we do on our social media is also how we should get to know new people in our lives?

I think, we've lost our touch. It's sad to also know that the communication we can only make is through tipsy stances and intoxicated decisions. We are but walking souls desperate for attention, desperately wanting to be heard, and desperately wanting to be felt and loved.

I admire those people who take the first 2 baby steps of saying hi and offering a hand to shake to be introduced or maybe asking a real question of "how are you?"

But mostly...

I admire those people who still have the guts to ask the coffee question. Their barriers are totally down and they are open to being shut down by the person on the other end. That life is too fleeting not to ask for a decent conversation with this smart girl or sensible man.

I admire those people who ask the coffee question because it's a question that makes us all vulnerable---to love, to pain, or to more chances. That once in awhile being vulnerable without the influence of alcohol is a magical feeling that we must desire all over again.

And on romance being dead?

I believe that it isn't. It's us and our pretenses who are killing it slowly but surely.